I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
