I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
