Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
