so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
