I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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