ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
