I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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