you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
