My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
