yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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