My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
