AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
