This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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