Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
