you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
