On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
