I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
