I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
