That's intense
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
