he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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