so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
