If that was your dad, he is hot
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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