A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize