If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize