We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
