dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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