He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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