I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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