Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
