In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
