chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We are two peas in an std pod
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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