There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
