hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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