you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
