dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
