Is it because I queefed?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
