I'm gonna have a badass scar
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
