On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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