So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
