He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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