I accidentally had phone sex last night
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
