I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
