Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
