she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize