I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
