I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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