we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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