I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
