i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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