i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
