Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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