when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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