The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
