I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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