When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Still dying that you shit outside
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
