I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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