i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
