Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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