wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
