I accidentally burped into my bong.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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