i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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