Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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